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Sleuth or Consequences Rewrite
On a typical Saturday morning, Lincoln is dressed up in a costume next to a poster of one of his favorite superheroes: Ace Savvy. Lincoln: (stoically to the viewers) I'm Ace Savvy, the world's savviest crime fighter. A man of few words, and fewer emotions. Except for today. (dancing with excitement) Because today is the day of the big Ace Savvy comic book convention! YEAH! (stoically again) And now to call my trusty sidekick. (breaks out walkie talkie) One-Eyed Jack, this is Ace Savvy. Clyde: (dressed in his costume) This is One-Eyed Jack. Just putting the finishing touches on my costume. And when it's ready, I'll be keeping one eye out for crime. (pulls an eyepatch over his glasses and lets go, causing the impact to smack the lens of his glasses) Ow! Lincoln: Roger that. I'll meet you at 4:00 when it's time to... (bursts out of room) ...deal out some justice! (pulls out a deck of cards that spill all over the floor) Dang it. (His sisters notice his costume and laugh at him, except for Luna and Leni) Lynn: Get a load of this! Lori: That is literally the funniest thing I have ever seen! Lola: You aren't going out in public like that, are you? Lisa: I might point out that you are well past the recommended age that this behavior is deemed acceptable. (The sisters continue laughing) Leni: (folds her arms) Not cool, you guys. Luna: Yeah, he's only tryin' to go to a convention with Clyde. Should we really be making fun of him for his costume? Lori: Oh come on! It's funny! Look at it! Luna: Making fun of Lincoln is funny? So much for being so mature Lori. Lynn: (groans) Alright! Fine! Whatever! Go do whatever stupid things you gotta do Lincoln. Though those tights must really give you a wedgie. (The others laugh as they go downstairs, while Luna and Leni stay with Lincoln) Luna: You okay bro? Lincoln: You guys didn't have to do that, I could handle the teasing. Leni: That's no excuse Linky, I hate seeing you made fun of just for this costume. We wanna make sure you don't get made fun of for what you do. (Luna and Leni hug Lincoln, and he smiles) Lincoln: Thanks guys. (they stop hugging him) Now if you'll excuse me, Ace Savvy needs to have his private business. (goes to the bathroom) Leni: (giggles) That's cute. (Lincoln goes to the bathroom, but when he opens the door, water from the toilet gushes out) Lincoln: (screams) What the?! Leni: Ew! What happened to the toilet?! Luna: (calls downstairs) Alright! Which one of you dudes clogged the toilet?! Other Sisters: Clogged the toilet?! (The other sisters rush upstairs and see all the water) Lori: You're right! The toilet is literally clogged! Lynn: But how?! Lola: I bet it was Lincoln! (The sisters, sans Luna and Leni, all glare at Lincoln) Lincoln: What made you think I did it?! Luan: Maybe because you made more clogs than a Dutch shoe factory! (laughs during rimshot) (Flashbacks begin of Lincoln clogging the toilet; Flashback #1: Lincoln is scraping his gross dinner into the toilet) Lincoln: So long, liverwurst loaf! (flushes the toilet only for it to back up) Lola: (bursts in) I'm telling Dad! (Flashback #2: Lincoln is holding an embarrassing sweater his mother made him) Lincoln: Mom can't make me wear you if she can't find you. (flushes it down the toilet only for another clog to occur) Lola: (bursts in) I'm telling Dad! (Flashback #3: Lincoln is pouring a bunch of CD's into the toilet) Lynn Sr.: (off-screen) Has anyone seen my CD's? I gotta practice for karaoke night! (As Lynn Sr. practices his singing, Lincoln flushes them down the toilet only for the obvious to happen) Lola: (bursts in) I'm telling Dad! (Flashback ends) Lincoln: All true. But this time, it wasn't me. I swear! Lynn: Oh sure, go try and defend yourself! We know it was you! Luna: (angry) Oh yeah?! And what makes you dudes think it was Lincoln who did it?! Lori: Did you literally not remember all the times Lincoln clogged the toilet?! Leni: Just because he did it those times, doesn't mean he did it today! You can't blame him without some kind of proof! Lola: Whatever! I still think Lincoln did it, and I'm telling Dad! Lincoln: (angry) Oh no you won't! I'm sick of you babbling me out! I'LL tell Dad! Lola: No! I will! (Luna and Leni suddenly grab Lola, while Lincoln goes downstairs) Lincoln: Dad! Lynn Sr.: (walks into the living room) What's wrong son? Lincoln: Someone clogged the toilet! Lynn Sr.: What?! Did you do this Mr. Flush-My-CD's-Down-The-Can?! Lincoln: No! I didn't do it! I swear! Lynn Sr.: Then who did?! Lincoln: I don't know, that's why I came to tell you! Lynn Sr.: (walks upstairs with Lincoln) Until one of you fesses up, everyone's grounded! (The sisters complain about this unjust decision) Lincoln: But Dad, I can't be grounded! The convention's in a few hours and I gotta get my Ace Savvy comic signed! Lynn Sr.: Until I know who did the crime, you're all doing the time! (Everyone complains even more) Lynn Sr.: Alright then, (pulls out a plunger) I've got a toilet to unclog. Lana: (busts out an even heavier plunger known as Big Bertha) Forget that pitiful plunger, Dad. This is a class 5 clog. You're gonna need Big Bertha! (enters the bathroom with her father and Big Bertha) Big Bertha coming through! Lincoln: Well, I'm not doing the time for this crime. I'm gonna find out who the real clogger is...Ace Savvy style! (pulls out his deck and drops it again) Dang it. (Lincoln is shuffling a deck of cards and places various cards he put drawings of his sisters on onto his desk) Lincoln: One of you is the perp... but which one? (Suddenly, Lucy, Luna, and Leni enter Lincoln's room) Luna: Hey bro! Lincoln: What do you guys want? Leni: We came to help you find who clogged the toilet. Lincoln: Really? (suspicious) Wait. Why do you wanna help? Lucy: I don't care about being grounded. My life is just an endless mental prison, anyway. But it's not fair that you have to miss your thing. Luna: Plus, I'm sick of seeing everyone blame you for something I know you didn't do. Leni: Yeah, it's just so mean! Lincoln: Thanks guys. So, what have you got? Lucy: Lynn has eaten spicy meatball subs for ten days straight. You know what that does to your digestive system? Luna: Hmm, that's a pretty good lead. (In the kitchen, Lynn is indeed eating a meatball sub; suddenly, Lucy shines a flashlight in her face) Lynn: Hey! What's with the light? Lincoln: Why don't you admit it, Lynn? You jammed the john! Lynn: I think those tights are cutting off oxygen to your brain. Luna: Oh yeah? Then explain this! (dumps discarded sub wrappers on the table) Nobody can eat this many subs and not wreak havoc on the plumbing! Lynn: Nice try, genius, but my favorite roller derby is playing tonight and I never bomb the bowl before the big game. It's bad luck! If I go number 2, we won't be number 1! Leni: Gross! Lynn: If you wanna know who plugged the porcelain, why don't you ask Lisa? She keeps a log of all our bathroom habits. Pun intended. Lincoln: Of course! Lisa's weird poop study! Let's go see this joker! (holds up the wrong card) Leni: Whoa! I never knew the joker was actually the two of Diamonds! Lincoln: Dang it! (Lisa and Lily's room) Lincoln: I need the file from last night from 1 to 4 AM. Lisa: (looks for the requested file) 1 to 4 AM...Hmm. It seems to be missing. Leni: Aww, it's missing? Luna: How convenient! Clearly, you did it! Case closed! Lisa: Oh, please! I haven't used the family lavatory in years! It takes too much time away from my studies. I prefer to use Lily's training potty. Lincoln: Well, it looks like your story's clean...but your training potty's not. Lucy: What about Lily? She's always dumping her dirty diapers in the toilet. Lincoln: Aha! (slides right into and knocks over Lily's diaper genie and reveals a plethora of pooped padding) Nope! I'd say they're all here! That clears these two. Lucy: What about Lori? Lincoln: Of course! She was so quick to point the finger at me, and you know what they say, "She who dodged it, lodged it!" (Lincoln goes to interrogate Lori, but returns revealing that Lori gave him an atomic wedgie to prove her innocence) Lincoln: Lori did not do it! Leni: Hmph! (to Lori) Meanie! (In the bathroom, Lana, Lynn Sr., and Big Bertha are searching for the bowl's barricade) Lynn Sr.: Oh! Big Bertha's got something! Lana: I wanna see! Is it something really grody? (Dad hands her the object) Paper? It's gotta be something bigger than that! (tosses paper out the window) Move over, rookie! Some jobs require you to get your hands dirty! (The paper falls daintily as Clyde makes his way to the Loud House) Clyde: (singing) One-Eyed Jack. One-Eyed Jack. Villains better watch their back. (gets his glasses struck by the paper Lana discarded) GAH! MY CRIME EYE! (crashes into the van and gets catapulted into the tree in the front yard) (Back in Lincoln's room) Lincoln: Better put a pot of cocoa on. We've only got 2 more hours until the convention and three more suspects to go. (Their next suspect is Luan) Luan: It wasn't me! I was asleep the whole time and I can prove it! I film myself sleeping in case I say something funny I can use in my act. (Video footage shows such an event) Luan: (sleep-joking) What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer! (laughs during rimshot) (They cross off Luan and move onto Lana) Lana: Wish I could take the credit. I've been trying to dam up the dumper for years. (They cross off Lana and move onto Lola) Lola: I would never get up in the middle of the night. It disrupts my beauty sleep. (They cross off Lola. The four walk out Lincoln's room, and Lincoln screams in frustration) Lincoln: GAH! We're running out of time and we've got nothing! Luna: Bro, just calm down, I'm sure we'll find out who did it! Lincoln: But I have to find out before I miss the convention! Lana: WE'VE GOT SOMETHING! (finds the source of the clog) Here's the culprit! (hands it to Lincoln) Lincoln: Aha! A break in the case! (sees that it's a book) (The book is titled: Princess Pony: The Touching True Story Of A Delightful Pony Who Changes The World With Her Horse Sense) Lucy: There's only one person who would read this: Lola! Lincoln: That lying scoundrel! Lana: You guys do remember that was just down the toilet, right? Luna: (disgusted) Eww... (Lincoln kicks the door open to Lola's room, only for it to close on his face; he then enters normally) Lincoln: We know you did it, Lola! We found your book in the toilet! (shows evidence) Lola: Barf! That is not mine! I may be girly and pink, but I do have standards! Luna: (convinced) I think she's telling the truth. Lucy: (doubtful) I don't! She's sweating more than a vampire in the sun! Let me take a run at her! (kicks down Lola's tea party table) We know you did it! ADMIT IT! CONFESS! If you don't tell the truth...YOUR HEART WILL NEVER BE SET FREE! Lincoln: (holding back an enraged Lucy) Whoa! Easy there, spooky! Lola: (unfazed from Lucy's outburst) You're cleaning that up. (They leave Lola's room) Lincoln: (groans) I've checked with everyone, and still nothing! Luna: Sorry bro, looks like we couldn't find the culprit. Lincoln: (turns around) Unless it was one of you two! Leni and Luna: What?! Lincoln: Well?! Was it?! Don't lie to me! Leni: Lincoln! Would we ever lie to you? Lincoln: (sighs) No. I just, really need to get to that convention. Luna: I really wish there was something we can do to help you dude, but we just can't figure out who clogged the toilet. Leni: We're sorry Lincoln. Lincoln: It's okay, you guys go, I'll handle this myself. Sorry for yelling. Luna: (smiles) Good luck bro. (Luna rubs Lincoln's forehead, then she and Leni go downstairs. Then, the doorbell rings and Lincoln answers the door) Lincoln: One-Eyed Jack? Clyde: Sorry I'm late, Ace. I would have been here sooner, but I was thwarted by this dastardly piece of paper that flew from your bathroom window. Lincoln: (looks at paper and sees something familiar) This looks like a page from Princess Pony. "If you don't tell the truth, your heart will never be set free." Where have I heard that before? (suddenly realizes those are the exact same words that Lucy told Lola and finds out who the culprit truly is) LUCY! You solved the case, One-Eyed Jack! Thanks to you, the city can flush without fear! (Clyde does some victory poses and Lincoln closes the door on him to confront Lucy) Clyde: Ace? Lincoln? (Lucy and Lynn's room) Lincoln: (kicks the door open) IT WAS YOU! Lynn Sr.: (from the bathroom) LINCOLN! STOP KICKING DOWN THE DOORS! Lincoln: You're the Princess Pony lover! Lucy: That's absurd! Lincoln: Then you won't mind if I search the premises. (searches but fails to find any evidence) Lucy: Are you done? Lincoln: I'll be done when I'm- (notices something on the floor) That's an odd shadow. (looks up to the ceiling lamp and finds a clue) Aha! Lisa's missing bathroom files! Lucy: Lynn must have put that there! You've got nothing on me! (just then, her gloomy macabre poster peels off and reveals a Princess Pony poster from behind) Dang it... Lincoln: You've been lying to me this whole time! Why? Lucy: (readjusts macabre poster) I couldn't let our sisters know I read Princess Pony. You know how they are. They'd make fun of me for the rest of my life. Lincoln: So, why do you read it? Lucy: Even I need a break from the darkness every now and then. Lincoln: So, how'd it end up in the toilet? Lucy: The bathroom is the only place I can safely read it. (Flashes back to last night) Lucy: I was reading it last night. And when I heard someone coming, I panicked. (Through her panicking, Lucy tossed the book into the toilet and hid in the bathtub when a groggy Lincoln came by to use the toilet and flushed it; as soon as he left, it gave Lucy the chance to escape and save her secret; end flashback) Lincoln: Sorry, Lucy, but you have to tell everybody. They still think I did it! Lucy: But they'll tease me even worse than they tease you! You can probably handle that, but I can't! Lincoln: I'm about to miss the convention! Either you tell them, or I will! Lucy: (admitting defeat) Sigh...I'll tell them... (They head into the living room where everyone else is) Lucy: Excuse me...I have something to say... (gets their attention and reveals the book) This is what totaled the toilet. Lisa: Princess Pony?! (All the sisters, sans Leni and Luna, begin to laugh) Lynn: Which one of you lame-o's does that belong to? Lisa: Certainly not me! It's so sickeningly sweet I get a toothache just looking at it! Luan: Whoever that belongs to is gonna be the laughing stock of this house! Lori: Yeah! They are literally worse than Lincoln! And he wears his underwear on the outside! (The other sisters laugh some more and Lucy knows she has to face the music; Lincoln notices Lucy's pain and feels bad for her) Lucy: Actually...the book belongs to- Lincoln: Me! Sisters: (flabbergasted) YOU?! Luna: Bro! Why didn't you say so before?! Lincoln: I didn't want to tell you because I knew you guys would make fun of me. You guys were acting like real jerks to me when you thought I clogged the toilet, and were making fun of my costume. (looks down) Now it looks like I have to put up with even more. (Luna and Leni started to feel bad for Lincoln. Lana noticed their looks, and she started to realize how mean she's been) Lana: (to herself) I'm being such a jerk to my big brother... (looks down) Lori: (sounding sympathetic) Aw, Lincoln... (now condescending) ...of course, we're gonna make fun of you! But only for the rest of your life! Luna: (angry) Shut up Lori! Lori: Excuse me? Leni: (angry) I'm quite disappointed with all of you! You're gonna make fun of Lincoln just because he clogged the toilet?! What a load of horse dookey! Lola: Well duh! He even did it with a pony book! That's just humiliating! Luna: (points at Lola) Like you're the one to talk! I remember the time you said we should accept each other's habits, and now you're all making fun of Lincoln's own habits! Lola: I know I said that, but come on this is just too funny to not make fun of! Leni: It's mean! Lana: (sadly) Leni's right. Lola: What?! Lana: (comes up to Lincoln) Lincoln, I'm really sorry I was being mean to you. You wanna dress up like Ace Savvy, you do it, because I know you love it! Lincoln: (smiles) Thanks Lana. I forgive you. Lynn: Well whatever! We're still going to make fun of Lincoln! Luna: (glares) Yeah, and we'll make sure you dudes regret it. Lincoln: Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go and tell Dad. (Lincoln walks into the kitchen where Lynn Sr. was) Lynn Sr.: Lincoln? What's up? Lincoln: Dad, (sighs) I was the one who clogged the toilet. Lynn Sr.: It was you? Why didn't you tell me before? Lincoln: I didn't want the girls to make fun of me. Lynn Sr.: Thanks for being honest with me son, but I'm still going to have to ground you. Lincoln: Yes Dad. Lynn Sr.: Girls! You're no longer grounded! (The girls celebrate their freedom, and they all leave, except for Leni, Luna, Lucy, and Lana) Leni: (upset) Aww Linky, now you're going to miss your convention. Luna: Yeah. But why didn't you just tell us the truth before? You could've just said it then. Lucy: Look. (looks around) Don't tell anyone, but I was actually the one who clogged the toilet. Leni, Luna, and Lana: What?! Lana: But why did Lincoln say he was the one who did it?! Lucy: Actually, I wanted to know that too. (to Lincoln) Why did you take the blame for me? Lincoln: Lucy, they would've made fun of you more than they make fun of me. I might not like it so much, but I'm quite comfortable with who I am, obviously. Don't worry, someday, you'll be too. Until then, your big brother's got your back. Lucy: (smiling and grateful) Thanks, Lincoln. Leni: Aww, Linky! Luna: You sure are a great big brother to Lucy. Lana: And to me too. (The four sisters give Lincoln a hug) Lincoln: Thanks guys. Well, guess I better go change into my normal clothes. I don't have to go to the convention anymore. (goes upstairs) (Sometime later, Luan comes back home from her comedy gig) Luan: Yes! I got to go to my comedy gig! Lucy: (appears out of no where) Hope you're happy. Luan: (screams) Lucy! What's up? Lucy: Do you think going to your comedy gig was worth it after how you behaved today? Luan: What? Lucy: You were making fun of Lincoln. Luan: Well duh! He clogged the toilet with a Princess Pony book! Lucy: Could you not see how defensive Leni and Luna were? He's going to be the laughing stock of the whole house. You even said so yourself! Luan: (gasps) You're right! I WAS being a jerk to Lincoln! (feels bad) What have I done? Lucy: I think you need to apologize to him. Luan: Don't worry, I'll do that. (thinks) Who else was making fun of him? Lucy: Lori, Lynn, Lola, and Lisa. Luan: Oh really? (smirks) Well I'll be sure to give them their comeuppance. (Later that night, Lincoln was in his room looking bored. Then, Leni and Luna came in) Luna: Hey bro! Guess what? Lincoln: What? Leni: (pulls out a signed Ace Savvy comic book) We went to the comic book store to get your book signed! Lincoln: Wow! (takes the comic book) How did you do it? Luna: We were so proud of you looking out for Lucy, so we had just enough time to go and get it signed. Lincoln: This is amazing! Thanks guys! (Lincoln hugs Leni and Luna, then Luan, Lucy, and Lana show up outside his room) Luan: Hey Linc! You got a minute? Lincoln: Luan? You're back so soon. What is it? Luan: I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for making fun of you today. I had no idea what went over me. Lincoln: It's okay Luan, I'm sure I won't stay mad about this for very long. Lucy: Did you tell him? Luan: Oh yeah! I also planned a special surprise for everyone else who made fun of you. (Sometime later, Lori, Lynn, Lola, and Lisa arrive home) Lori: Man, what happened today with Lincoln was literally hilarious! Lynn: Yeah, making fun of him is going to be so priceless! (They open the door, but then a bucket of toilet water falls on top of them) Lori: Gah! Gross! Lola: My dress! My beautiful dress!! (They notice Lincoln, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lucy, and Lana in front of them) Luan: I guess trying to make fun of Lincoln, gave you guys an epic "pail"! (Lincoln and his five sisters laugh, while the other four look annoyed) The End.